Oh no! I have a blog!
Not that I don't love my blog, mind you... but it's clearly not writing itself and it's time to get busy again! Between work, singing sentimental platitudes about the Oklahoma territory, trips to the City of Sin with my family and lusting outrageously after Dr. Cox for several hours a night, I've been far too busy to blog my ever so important thoughts and feelings. However, an erstwhile and pitiful plea from a good friend with lunch hours to kill brings me back to my cranial lovechild. Here we go.
I don't really have a theme this time. Who cares?

Da plane, boss! Look at da plane!: I learned an interesting fact this week. I hear presidential candidates, politicians and celebrities carp, carp, carp about the oil situation and the gas prices and save the Earth and blah dee blah dee blah. It amuses me that these same celebrated figures of our Great Nation travel not on the bus, or cramped in a seat in coach with their knees knocking against their tray table (the tray table that holds the drink and snack they had to PAY for because by the way? Beverage/food service is no longer complimentary on domestic flights) and with a chatty Floridian granny on their left, a sweaty fat man by the window and a shrieking child beast with an array of musical toys just behind, or in a small but comfortable, gas-conservative car like us mere mortals down below. Oh no. They fly in private jets. They ride in limos and own SUVs. They cajole us with attractive promises of lower gas prices (although god forbid we drill... we must protect the environment at all costs! Although, I'll let them tell that to the people who can't afford to drive to work/school with current gas prices) and serve only to suck down more precious natural resources themselves. I am SO TIRED of them.

Anyway, that was a side road I will probably take later and much more violently. Back to being amused. SO, a little bit of trivia: Which politician began the tradition of flying from city to city during a campaign, and thus being able to reach a broader audience in a shorter period of time?

The answer? Adolf Hitler! That's right... In 1932, when Hitler ran against Hindenburg for the presidency, he traveled through much of his campaign in an airplane, which enabled him to speak in more than one city in a day. His campaign slogan was "Hitler uber Deutschland" or, Hitler over Germany. It was a clever play on words, you see? That guy. It's refreshing to see our good politicians following dear old Adolf's ways. Maybe if we're lucky, they'll bring back the Wehrmacht! Won't that be swell?

And speaking of Hitler, I am reminded of the next person who wrung a reluctant snicker and a reluctant, coup-d'etat posthumous mental high-five from me this week-

Martin "Zyklon B" Luther: Now, some of you might know him as both the paterfamilias and sergeant-at-arms of the early Protestant church; the challenger of the papacy; the upholder of the infallibility of the Bible and the concept that salvation is through Christ and unmediated by Mother Church; the lone voice that encouraged the ignorant peasants of the Dark Ages to partake of something healthier than a Diet of Worms (hyuk hyuk hyuk).

And me? I tend to think of him as the Great GrandPappy of the Final Solution to the Jewish Problem in Europe.

Oh, yes. Martin Luther was a raging anti-Semite. In fact, his work, "On the Jews and Their Lies" was reprinted five times within the three remaining years of his lifetime. Poor Mr. L had little luck converting Jews to Christianity. When they chose to resolutely stick to their beliefs and not stray from them for the radical teachings of one man, that one man snapped and bitterly railed against them. He wrote that they were a "base, whoring people", that "we are not at fault in slaying them." and encouraged his followers to burn Jewish synagogues, destroy their prayerbooks and seize their money. Whoa there, big fella. Strong words... but you have to respect the moxie of a man who is so sure that he's right that he advocates the slaughter of those who don't flee belief systems that predate his and flock to his side...

Anyway, many historians agree that ML's caustic and relatively successful campaign against the Jews (in addition to stirring up hatred amongst his flock- you know, Christianity... the "Love thy neighbor as thyself" religion- his works would compel riots that led to the expulsion of the Jews from many places in Germany) was a heavily contributing factor in the spawning of anti-Semitism in Germany. And what did anti-Semitism lead to in Germany? Only the annhilation of 6,000,000 European Jews. Many of the Nazis' anti-Jewish books and speeches alluded to Luther's writings; Himmler was said to be a big fan and Luther's text was declared by the Nazis (admiringly, of course) to be the most radically anti-Semitic tract ever published (and it had some competition, too, such as "The Jewish Plague" and "The Toadstool", a charming children's book.) Well played, Martin. They don't want to be Christians? Whatever. Let's genocide them up, then... shall we?

Moving on- Our next contestant is someone who accomplished something I never thought possible: they are in actuality the reincarnation of someone who isn't even dead yet! This is REALLY spooky:

Rachel Ray: The PREreincarnation of Jerry Lewis?





Believe me or don't, people... all I'm saying is that you need to do is watch one of Rachel Ray's shows and finish all her sentences with, "Nice LAAAAA-dy!"


If I were a not-yet-dead Jerry Lewis, I would have picked a worthier vessel than an irritating pixie who makes up banal cooking expressions (like "EVOO" and "Yummo!"), makes completely average looking food and speaks to the television audience as if they had only just weaned off of Baby Einstein and were looking to grow to the next level of one-syllable words and easy two syllable words like "Sammy". I can't even think about her anymore.

Then again, there are those who, disbelieving of such a radical and, I daresay, foolish hypothesis as prereincarnation, could argue that Jerry Lewis is a cyborg or a mandroid or similar or... even worse... an Illuminatus!!! You know, those fun-loving lizard people who take on the visage of humans and, from famous and influential positions, bring about DESTRUCTION and CHAOS? Totally, man. Maybe Rachel was carefully crafted from an ailing LewisBeast or LewisBot's organic matter to carry on his EVIL after his time in this frail earthly form was through... maybe we'll never know... or maybe they're biding their time.
I end with this: Jerry Lewis' EarthMother's name was Rachel "Rae" Levitch. Is there such a thing as coincidence?

I hope I've at least given you something to ponder. I take a great risk here, speaking the truth... if they come for me, WHEN they come for me, don't let my death be in vain. Spread the truth... expose the lies, expose the EVOO for what it is: the Harbinger of Doom. And a delicious dipping sauce for crusty artisan bread... with a little balsamic vinegar? Makes me hungry just thinking about it. YumMO!
Oh no. Oh NO! Nice... laaaaady....