This summer was one of great personal awareness and awakening. I daily rode on a rollercoaster that slammed me from the heights of self-worth and pride then plummeted me to the familiar, comfortable dips of self-loathing and regret. I think, if anything, it made me hope the ride would come to a complete stop so I could walk calmly to the nearest exit and find a ride that would leave me a little less queasy.
So, how do you wrap an iconic 10 weeks into a tidy little blog package? I have no idea. But I've left this poor page idle for so long and I have so many things in my head right now. Let's make a list. I love lists:
1. Everyone deserves to be loved. There are so many kinds of love and no two people need the same thing.
2. At the crossroads of life, some people go left, and some people go right, and some people curl up against the large oak and wait for someone who will make the decision for them to come along.
3. I should shower before going out for German food with my parents, but I don't wanna.
4. I have wobbly thighs. So freakin' what? I'm so tired of telling myself that I'm ugly.
5. Epiphanies are rather unsettling. And now, I'm seeing the world through newer, clearer eyes, and I'm both enchanted with and struck by the tragedy of everything I see. How melodramatic.
6. It's funny how I've sung so many songs in my life but never bothered to listen to the words or understand the meaning before. But I think I kinda get it now.
7. I'm dying for the next part of my life to begin. Hickory feels like a concentration camp. It's time to grow up and I'm so content with that but I mostly just want to crawl into a pumpkin and die for a while.
8. Time moves more slowly at home. MUCH more slowly. Like, cryogenically frozen slowly. I know time is just a wibbley, wobbley, timey-wimey ball, but still... I've been napping for a very long time.
9. Friends help you move, but real friends help you move the bodies... no, but seriously, I have some of the most amazing friends ever, and they truly showed their glorious true colors this week. Thanks, guys.
10. It is a truth universally acknowledged that any single man in possession of a large fortune must be in want of a wife.
11. Without the bad times, the good times would have no meaning and no value. That doesn't, however, mean that being an adult doesn't utterly suck sometimes.
12. After all the hemming and hawing and rules and semantics and power struggles and other ridiculous blather has quieted, the only thing that matters is to believe. Everything else, the unimportant crap, will eventually take care of itself.
13. After Pandora opened the box and all the ugliness released itself upon the world, the only thing she found in the box was hope, shivering in a corner, waiting to be discovered. I kind of think it's been like that with me... so much chaos in my brain, and the one thing I needed the most was waiting, patiently, until the rest cleared out and I could let it glow uninhibited.
Yikes. Not my most brilliant post. There's just too much going on to try to make sense of any of it. More to come later.
