Ho hummage.

I don't have much to say tonight (I'm kind of grumpy) but this clock still has to tick 8 minutes of my life away before I can wash out this itchy dye. I'm a bit afraid to see the end product... I have a sneaking suspicion that my head is going to be a flaming mass of pink appropriate only in Japanese anime. But we'll see.
Days later: the hair turned out a crazy shade of comic book red. Am I keeping it? Hells, yeah. It is, to quote one of the many people in the world I'm sick to death of, time for a change.
I really need to do something with my time... I've been getting soooo terribly twitchy lately. I *thankfully* have an unholy trinity of busy weekends ahead of me, but that's only a tiny bandaid on the gaping abdominal fleshwound that is my present existence. And my present existence is rather disappointing to me... My ambitions for life changed as I grew older and my perspective changed. When I was a child, I dreamed that I would meet the man of my dreams on either my 16th birthday or my 18th (cause that's how Disney taught me to dream. Raise your hand if you DON'T want me to go into that again. I had to stop typing because my hands were waving wildly of their own volition and I couldn't type... must be a sign. Moving on...) and get married and raise babies and not like that's a bad thing, mind you... the world must be peopled.
However, that was not my Route 66, and now the looming conflict is... I'm t-minus 5 days from my late twenties and I have not much to show for it. A 8-5 job answering phones... bizarrely colored X-Men hair... raging commitmentphobia... severe mistrust of everyone around me but a few of those genetically linked to me and one or two close friends... a sickening feeling of impending doom... some curious mental powers passed on through the women of my family... a capacity for observation that misses little but is rather unwelcome to most people I know... strong morals I was raised with and the lingering stain of JudeoChristian purple KoolAid on my teeth but an ever stronger desire to launch myself into the careless, hedonistic, thoroughly enjoyable party that branches off the straight and narrow into Woman of 2008land... itchy feet and a wandering soul... a feeling that I should be doing something somewhere but with no helpful roadsigns... an insatiable craving for nummy snacks and hard liquor... loneliness so ingrained and corporeal you could cut it with a knife and not even biopsy a fraction of it... a long string of unsuccessful eating disorders... schemes I won't allow myself to carry through for fear of failure... a craving for success but little to no ambition... depression as a full time vocation since the 4th grade... a shiny new car but nowhere in particular to drive it to... a creeping suspicion that I'm starting not to care about anyone or anything (because it's better to have stayed aloof and not lost than to love and be hurt again)... a personality that changes with every person I meet... limitless potential, bottled like warm champagne at a party where no one remembered to bring a corkscrew...
If there's anything missing from my life, it's dreams. Careers... travels... homes... loves... friends... I gave up on anticipation a long time ago. I'm kind of a pessimist; I prefer to anticipate disappointment. That way, if something goes wrong, I'm already mentally prepared, and if something goes well, I'm pleasantly surprised. I anticipate failure and then resent that it follows me wherever I go.
But where's the solution? I can't seem to settle on a future. I won't turn to optimism. I won't look forward to an unforseeable future. And I'm always too tired to really think about it.
This is angsty and depressing (but then again, so am I! Charming. Hee.) I'm going to go watch Scrubs and hope the Ambition Fairy visits me tonight and leaves me something under my pillow.